Its day 8 being back in the states and I am still processing. I am not sure how long it will take, whether it will even be completed or if it is part of my continuing process of expansion and manifestation.
What I do know is that my inner space is quieter. I have a deep sense of calm and a desire to life my life authentically and to work for my own joys.
What I can say is that Swamiji is my Guru.
He is a living incarnation of divine consciousness, cosmic energy, God, avatar, Shiva… whatever name you want to give to it- it is him and he is it. This is a very easy statement to make after spending 21 days in Swamiji’s energy field in the most cosmically centered place on the planet. The amount of time that Swamiji spent with us, the sheer number of questions he answered, the times he made us laugh (sometimes just by laughing himself), his discourses, all the processes, initiations, darshans- all of it created a space in me to trust and accept him into my life. To leave there knowing I am connected to him via my spiritual umbilical cord and that whenever I need him all I have to think is Shivoham or Nithyanandam.
I was reminded again during Guru Purnima that Swamiji believes knowledge is free. Get your reeducation on now.
During Inner Awakening I had a lot of ups and downs. I met a lot of different people; some who were experiencing it with me for the first time, some who were back for their second, third or fifth times- you can tell from the picture on their malas too. Our group was small about 120 or so, which allowed us to get right up front to watch the master and fire our mirror neurons. It then grew to 220 when an influx of devotees came for the Shivoham process for the last 10 days. All of these people had been before and increased the energy in the mandalas we were sitting in.
I want to say more about Swamiji and I will in future posts. Now I want to show some pictures and give a little insight into my mental state while I was there from some journal entries I made. I also want to thank Ma Nithya Sudevi for connecting me to Swamiji, I have watched nearly all of your videos and I am grateful to you and hope that you can continue to be a beacon of light for seekers.
Blindfolded again. It’s an interesting meditation. One intended to prove to ourselves that our 3rd eyes are in fact open- yet one that also brings up self doubt. Can we really believe that human beings have latent powers and that one has been awakened in us? I see it in other people, but me? So besides that up and down ride going in behind the blindfold there are people going up to the mike to announce to the room that they have read. Words, sentences even paragraphs.
We just finished lunch and since I’m battling something- amoeba, spicy food, process, haritaki powder, all of the above- how does one even know? All I know is that it has me heading to the bathroom. Speaking of the bathroom, Indian toilets come equipped with hand held hoses to wash apparently yourself, the toilet and the floor. It’s always wet in there despite signs that same are dry western toilets. I always wear my flip flops, known here as slippers, and so does anyone else who feels like it and roll up my pant legs. I’m marveled at how the women do in with their sari’s and come out dry.
And all the sitting- sit to listen, sit to ask questions, sit for the process- sit, sit, sit. I look around and watch people sitting on the tile floor for hours at a time with smiles on their faces. My back is aching, my knees have been sore and I’ve got a cushion and back support. Now I know how how the cross leg seated position was named. Looking at the Sarvajnapeetha wall, I saw a picture of the ashram library with no tables and chairs, just children sitting on the floor with their books. My soreness is due to the process and incompletions, with only some because I am accustomed to western chairs.
We have been initiated into so many things, been in this energy field and talked to so many people of different walks of life. There are at least 10 translators here, mostly Swamiji talks in English, but sometimes the primary language of Tamal comes out for some exchanges.
Honestly the jury is still out folks. Will I travel back to California and continue this see-saw pattern and eventually find peace in perpetual completion? Will I still need to try to access some of my youngest memories to relive them to relieve them? Will I radiate a joy to those around me? Will I want to come back? I hope that I will be able to access the new biomemories that have been embedded into me via form and sound.
What I do know is that people keep coming back to wherever Swamiji is and that there is a beauty and simplicity in how he communicates. He has said doubt is okay- he welcomes it, just dont waste your time trying to prove him wrong. He has also said on more than one occasion to not take notes- who wants an enlightened notebook instead of an enlightened being? He is talking to our beings, our very essence, a part of us we are trying to shove down and turn off by willing or unwilling methods our whole lives.
We still have two and a half days left. Plenty of time and only 7 more meals, 2 of them breakfast, my favorite.
Editors Note: The next day I had a breakthrough, I left behind my resistance and with my blindfold on I got the letters B, I and R and then saw the visual of arcs with clouds at the ends and said RAINBOW.
A few days earlier I was laid out on an Indian bed in the hall with a fever and body aches. The Maheshwara puja was going on and at the end there was music and lots of clapping. I saw everyone flock towards the banyan tree. Eventually I dragged myself up and got up on a chair and witnessed Swamiji dancing. It was a beautiful sight, the hands were in the air and the grace and beauty of the movements had me in awe. But my body had me back on the floor in a horizontal position.
We have made it through a week. That’s 6 neti pots, 6 enemas, 12 eye washes, 27 hours of sleep, countless cups of tea and many 1,2,3 breaks. I have written so much about my experiences, my past, trying to find my root pattern along all of my incompletions with others and myself so I can continue working towards completion. I have had a lot of self doubt about doing it right- but I realize that just being open to the process and being here is a huge step in reaching higher levels of consciousness.
I have met a lot of interesting people and have done my fair share of complaining yet I have found that a lot of times we rebel from the hardest things in life. It’s hard to actively and sincerely dig into yourself and also open yourself up to new energies and the awakening of latent energies.
So far I am feeling lighter despite eating so much fabulous Indian cuisine. My inner space is feeling more open and receptive to what I am receiving from Swamiji. The energy of his presence is palpable, you can feel it in every cell of your body. I really had no idea what to expect and honestly I still don’t.
Today we are dealing with fear and death. Last night we received our atmalinga, our own personal divine cosmic consciousness, our guru in our pocket. I am so grateful for each and every blessing I get. I also love all the volunteers who are here to help us in the process and all the people who cook and serve the food. It’s amazing how much does into this program and how much time Swamiji gives us. He will sit for hours and answer questions from us and does it with a beautiful smile on his face, never getting annoyed, cracking jokes and blessing us with his laugh. He also bestows the same gifts on all the volunteers and invites them for some of the processes and darshans.
I look forward to seeing more of Varanasi, on our little walk from the hotel we have seen countless cows and dogs and double the amount of movement machines- bikes, carts, rickshaws, cars, vans, buses- among a cacophony of honking. The landscape changes from buildings to lush jungle as quickly as families speed by on motorcycles next to the people on bikes carrying huge tanks roped to the sides. In the midst of what looks like utter confusion you get a feeling of being in a place of heightened spirituality.